Tuesday, December 25, 2007


Christmas is almost past and with its passing I cannot stop contemplating change, change in the world, change in myself and within my relationships. Jesus came into this world, born a bastard, to transform the way in which we all live.

How is it that I live? Selfishly…yes…sinfully…yes. I cover about every negative aspect a human being can have and then some.

It seems I am being called to a more contemplative life, outside of the negativity that is plaguing this world. I desire to withdraw from this world and live the life of a monk. However, this is impossible for several reasons… I often wonder what that looks like in the world…a contemplative within society.

It always bothered me that Merton gave up…and ran to the monastery.

One aspect of Catholicism I have come to admire is its ability to radiate contemplation; the service is based around prayer and an intimate experience with the creator…

I look back at the year and see how I have changed and it scares me. I was walking in the woods today with my wife and I was venting how I fear that I am changing so much that it bothers her. I often wonder if my theological beliefs scare her…she comforted me though and encouraged me to continue exploring where God is taking me.

I need to go to the desert for forty days and wrestle with God…is it actually possible to fast 40 days…..

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